Once Again

It's so marvelous to see good dancing on stage. When I grew up in New Orleans and later went to college there I doubt there were many performances I missed. My mom started me out, so I have her to thank for introducing me to the excitement and exhilaration of a live performance. It was Swan Lake with Rudolph Nureyev and Margot Fontaine. Fabulous, Fabulour, Fabulous,There;s nothing like seeing a live performance. The fun, the exhilaration, the applause. I have seen innumerable movies and their stage counterparts. There is nothing to compare. It's probably the realization that the dance, the acting etc is being done without interruption, without having to do a retake. The energy, the brilliance of a great performance cannot be fathomed. So glad for people's talent always and their God given gifts. What a blessing!!!

HOME AGAIN

What does it mean to go home? It's fun. It's nostalgic. Sometimes it's bittersweet. Sometimes it's full of sad memories, sometimes happy memories that make sad parts not so hard to swallow. For me it's all of these. For the first time I going back I have no parents to hug and hang out with, no brother to talk theater with. At the same time my great niece, 2 years old this fall is just beginning her life and it's exciting to think of a new life like that grow and visualize and explore. She brings such joy into my brother's and sister-in-law's lives, not to mention her mom and dad;s, my niece and her husband. Life isn't easy by any stretch but her smile makes it wonderful.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE

And so from out of nowhere I am hit by grief. From out of nowhere, I feel guilt. Was mom right, I can't do anything right? Did I do what I needed to do for her? Did I really help her by having her live with me? And waves upon waves pound against the shore. God is here with me, looming larger than the rock of Gibralter. God tells me over and over, He will never foresake me. Why do the waves of depression overcome me? I know it's human, and that God gives me the strength to hold fast but I still feel overwhelmed and still rely on other things to pull me through. I have to grow in Him. I have to realize that my faith is built on nothing less than Him and His Son.Now I just need to incorporate that into my being, like a Yogi does with meditation.

When Shadows Fall

I spent a few hours with my second mom in Morehead yesterday. My sister, who I love dearly, and who I feel as close to as though she was biologically my sister, was there. We really had a wonderfyl peaceful time. I needed that time and family closeness. I was a little sad to see my aging mom but was glad to spend time with her. And am grateful she is in my life as are my numerous sisters and brothers. I cannot help but think about my own mom, and how she took care of me and stuck up for me when I needed it and helped me out. And how I miss her. Who cares that she had a bipolar personality? Archie Bunker was a bigot but he loved his family enough not to hurt his daughter by casting her and her husband out into the streets because he didn't agree with his son-in-law's political views. Focus on what is good is what the LORD teaches me, is what my father taught me and myself being positive never ever hurts.

WHERE IS LOVE?

One of my favorite songs is "Where is love?" from Oliver! Where is the love? Where is love, which is above and separate from the Love. Love is an all encompassing term in which is more than feeling warm and fuzzy means self-sacrifice for some person, place or thing that you deem worthy of you effort and time. I am will to put time and energy into raising cats. At one time I was willing to care for my aging mom, before she passed. Are you willing to surrender all to Him, to sacrifice all that many would get to know Him? It's called counting the costs. Have you counted the cost of LOVE? Many haven;t and wind up leaving the cause. Many stay and find it to be the best in the universe. Hardest in the universe, but most satisfying and fulfilling of anything anyone can do.

Moving On

7 months later and I am still being asked if my house feels empty. Well in all honesty I do sometimes think I see mom in bed. And sometimes the illusion of the shelf I put up with pictures acts like an optical illusion. Sometimes I think I hear her and it's really Brie. It's all grief. those "sometimes" are getting less and less. I pulled a muscle in my back. Again grief. It's ok really. As long as I recognize it. There is sadness of course. But I am getting better at reasoning where my reactions are coming from. And then I can concentrate on how grateful I am for mom.

A Time to grow

Anyone who has ever been through grief knows how painful and hard it is to process through. That's why so many people commit suicide after losing someone they care for. But regardless of that hardness it's equally as hard to say "work thtough it"/ It simply is not that easy. Ecclesiastes says it's a time to plant a time to sow, a time to live a time to die. I will add another to that list, a time to lay down a time to grow. The 6 months prior to mom's death in September to October 8th, 2017 I put on 18 pounds. I had stopped exercising on a regular basis and my back felt as old as the rocks in out in the western US. Recently I decided to get back to exercise and eating right. And my back muscles told me that I needed therapy. Obeying my body, I asked to do physical therapy, and have begun to be able to do my exercising again. And I feel much better. Much. This past week (April 8th week) I have made several mistakes that I don't ordinarily make. Over the past few months I have made several mistakes also that I don't normally make. And it makes me feel bad and as though I am living up to mom's standards of not being able to do anything right. But then I think that I would not have been able to get through vet school or any school for that matter if I didn't believe I could do anything right. I just have to go in with confidence and competence that God has equipped me with. And the person that makes the mistakes is still there but can overcome those mistakes and God teaches me to do things the right way. I have done more things than I ever thought possible.