Once Again

It's so marvelous to see good dancing on stage. When I grew up in New Orleans and later went to college there I doubt there were many performances I missed. My mom started me out, so I have her to thank for introducing me to the excitement and exhilaration of a live performance. It was Swan Lake with Rudolph Nureyev and Margot Fontaine. Fabulous, Fabulour, Fabulous,There;s nothing like seeing a live performance. The fun, the exhilaration, the applause. I have seen innumerable movies and their stage counterparts. There is nothing to compare. It's probably the realization that the dance, the acting etc is being done without interruption, without having to do a retake. The energy, the brilliance of a great performance cannot be fathomed. So glad for people's talent always and their God given gifts. What a blessing!!!

HOME AGAIN

What does it mean to go home? It's fun. It's nostalgic. Sometimes it's bittersweet. Sometimes it's full of sad memories, sometimes happy memories that make sad parts not so hard to swallow. For me it's all of these. For the first time I going back I have no parents to hug and hang out with, no brother to talk theater with. At the same time my great niece, 2 years old this fall is just beginning her life and it's exciting to think of a new life like that grow and visualize and explore. She brings such joy into my brother's and sister-in-law's lives, not to mention her mom and dad;s, my niece and her husband. Life isn't easy by any stretch but her smile makes it wonderful.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE

And so from out of nowhere I am hit by grief. From out of nowhere, I feel guilt. Was mom right, I can't do anything right? Did I do what I needed to do for her? Did I really help her by having her live with me? And waves upon waves pound against the shore. God is here with me, looming larger than the rock of Gibralter. God tells me over and over, He will never foresake me. Why do the waves of depression overcome me? I know it's human, and that God gives me the strength to hold fast but I still feel overwhelmed and still rely on other things to pull me through. I have to grow in Him. I have to realize that my faith is built on nothing less than Him and His Son.Now I just need to incorporate that into my being, like a Yogi does with meditation.

When Shadows Fall

I spent a few hours with my second mom in Morehead yesterday. My sister, who I love dearly, and who I feel as close to as though she was biologically my sister, was there. We really had a wonderfyl peaceful time. I needed that time and family closeness. I was a little sad to see my aging mom but was glad to spend time with her. And am grateful she is in my life as are my numerous sisters and brothers. I cannot help but think about my own mom, and how she took care of me and stuck up for me when I needed it and helped me out. And how I miss her. Who cares that she had a bipolar personality? Archie Bunker was a bigot but he loved his family enough not to hurt his daughter by casting her and her husband out into the streets because he didn't agree with his son-in-law's political views. Focus on what is good is what the LORD teaches me, is what my father taught me and myself being positive never ever hurts.

WHERE IS LOVE?

One of my favorite songs is "Where is love?" from Oliver! Where is the love? Where is love, which is above and separate from the Love. Love is an all encompassing term in which is more than feeling warm and fuzzy means self-sacrifice for some person, place or thing that you deem worthy of you effort and time. I am will to put time and energy into raising cats. At one time I was willing to care for my aging mom, before she passed. Are you willing to surrender all to Him, to sacrifice all that many would get to know Him? It's called counting the costs. Have you counted the cost of LOVE? Many haven;t and wind up leaving the cause. Many stay and find it to be the best in the universe. Hardest in the universe, but most satisfying and fulfilling of anything anyone can do.

Moving On

7 months later and I am still being asked if my house feels empty. Well in all honesty I do sometimes think I see mom in bed. And sometimes the illusion of the shelf I put up with pictures acts like an optical illusion. Sometimes I think I hear her and it's really Brie. It's all grief. those "sometimes" are getting less and less. I pulled a muscle in my back. Again grief. It's ok really. As long as I recognize it. There is sadness of course. But I am getting better at reasoning where my reactions are coming from. And then I can concentrate on how grateful I am for mom.

A Time to grow

Anyone who has ever been through grief knows how painful and hard it is to process through. That's why so many people commit suicide after losing someone they care for. But regardless of that hardness it's equally as hard to say "work thtough it"/ It simply is not that easy. Ecclesiastes says it's a time to plant a time to sow, a time to live a time to die. I will add another to that list, a time to lay down a time to grow. The 6 months prior to mom's death in September to October 8th, 2017 I put on 18 pounds. I had stopped exercising on a regular basis and my back felt as old as the rocks in out in the western US. Recently I decided to get back to exercise and eating right. And my back muscles told me that I needed therapy. Obeying my body, I asked to do physical therapy, and have begun to be able to do my exercising again. And I feel much better. Much. This past week (April 8th week) I have made several mistakes that I don't ordinarily make. Over the past few months I have made several mistakes also that I don't normally make. And it makes me feel bad and as though I am living up to mom's standards of not being able to do anything right. But then I think that I would not have been able to get through vet school or any school for that matter if I didn't believe I could do anything right. I just have to go in with confidence and competence that God has equipped me with. And the person that makes the mistakes is still there but can overcome those mistakes and God teaches me to do things the right way. I have done more things than I ever thought possible.

A time and place

So my weight iz going boing-boing-boing, and going up and down. And part of the time it's because I snacked or overate at meals, and part of the time I raise my hands and just wonder. But there is a time and season for everything. I will lose weight. But it's not time yet. I will be healthy and I will take care of what God gave me. I will.

Questions

So I question me. Am I doing things the way I am supposed to. And I question God. Do I please You? What do You want me to do? God is definitely awesome, absolutely marvelous, and a wonderful King. I am so glad He is in control, because I would mess it up but also I would turn into a mess a wreck and a big complainer. Glad He is patient and loving and gives us everything we need, I love Him so.

HIDDEN BLESSINGS

In all our lives we never realize what a blessing things are in our lives. I moved to New Iberua, LA, away from family to take a position that I thought would be a wonderful experience of a lifetime. (I waa so young) only to realize I had jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I took a job with the government that I thought was boring but it gave me a Master's in Food Safety, several spot awards and the opportunity to pass information regarding people's jobs and dangers involved and make sure people knew what was proper inspection. I have to say that experience was fun. But what I didn't realize is that the job in New Iberia led to the government job in North Carolina. Out of that last job I bought a house and bought another house later in Lexington KY. So glad I stood tough and didn't abandon my goals. Not my God. All in all the greatest blessings was to realize God was the one in control always. Always. Always. Always.

Well Meaning

People are just people. They are in their own sphere, they have a limited view beyond 1 foot around them. This is why when someone is grieving a loss, they say things are said that are inappropriate, smothering, controlling.... even if they have gone through a loss. I am always in shock when someone asks me:"How does your house feel? I will bet it feels lonesome." And the only thing left for me to do is to thank them for their input. Let's not try to fix people when they are grieving. They just need support and love, not advice hos to get along.

GRIPE GRIPE GRIPE

What has happened to me? Can't I even catch a break? What did I do wrong? Ever heard this? Especially on social media. These gripes, these negative words are the reason I just scroll through social media. Is it so human to complain? Obviously. The Jews grumbled. The apostles grumbled. Why in the world should I expect anything different from today's people? What is alarming is that we are exhorted in everything give thanks. What does that mean? It means to stop grumbling. There are two things for certain, pain exists in this world and we'll never get out of this life alive. May God forgive us.

MEANNESS

There has always been evil in the world. There has always been bullying. There has always been kids that don't get along with each other, parents which promote snobbiness and separation. Why should today be any different? Why are the kids in schools expecting to be treated with kindness and grace? Not that that doesn't happen in school. It does indeed. There are schools that promote indeed excel at teaching kids how to behave. But kids being little humans they slip from time to time. That is what is to be expected. When I was in school I went to school with girls who were nice, some who were snobs, some who didn't mind cheating on tests, some who could be cruel. It is a potpourri always. And I didn't expect them to do anything less than what they did. I chose to concentrate on school work and learning piano and enjoying movies and ballet classes at the bidding and guidance of my mom. I think the greatest thing mom ever did for me was to teach me how to stand on my own principles, right or wrong, and not rely on peer pressure. That is something lacking in schools and lacking in this generation. They rely too much on peers and parents are unwilling to get involved with them. Solution: parents teach your children well, love them, show them mercy and grace, but teach them to be strong.

Social Media

And social media sucks. But unfortunately we have to work in it. I try to limit it as much as possivle. If I answer negative posts I usually put positive scripture. So that it is not an accusation it is an encouragement. I also have people who constantly message me about issues about their family and yes I turn a deaf ear and suggest counselling. Because I am ill equipped to help them in their struggles. I have refused to answer one particular pet parent who consistantly and constantly wants things from me that I am not equipped to give. And so I choose not to answer her calls because she has issues of her own to deal with and I cannot help her. I cannot. Not now. I doubt if social media could deal with her. Maybe it's wrong but many people have issues that they won't get help for themselves but it filters over into their other relationships. And many of those are Christians. How can a Christian continuously complain and yet still claim to follow the scripture, "That ye may be the children of your. Father which is in heaven: for he maketh. his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on theunjust." Matthew 5:45. Things will happen to us all. And it's up to us to keep our chins up.

AND SPEAKING OF GOALS....

And speaking of goals..... yes I am a big goal setter. As true as that is, I finish most, not all but most of my goals. Positivism is good, and I could be trite and say it comes from believing in God. How trite and arrogant to say that. Positivism doesn't come just from belief. Otherwise it won't stay, because of the intangible issues involved. Positivism, and endurance, is a by-product of seeing those intangible issues and acting on them. Facing the inevitable, facing what could break you and yet not giving up. Most of the time it comes because there's nothing left, When you are on one side of the coin looking at having enough money to do things and can accomplish things, it's harder to see the other side of the coin where there is very little there and you have to stretch and make thing fit. Life is good but most people look for the other side of the coin from theirs because they are dissatisfied. Because they always want more. It's not always a bad thing, it lead to our independence from Britain, and the Allies defeating Germany, it's what takes children away from their parents..

And it takes goals, logical achievable goals. Mine for this year are basically two: I want to learn to sew and I want to continue to practice the piano to build up a repertoire. My mom's legacy was both of those things. I have always wanted to sew, to do the creations and was always in admiration of mom for her accomplishments.

CONTROL AIN"T SO GOOD

I spoke to a friend earlier this week about the same age as me. He owned a house which he put up for sale under duress of no help to pay his mortgage unless he did something like get a job and get from under his debt. He is also a diabetic (not controlled) and is under treatment for depression. Realize he quit a good job, has no skills other than driving or lifting. So basically he is a candidate for the tumultuous nature of depression and meds to treat. Yet he has chosen the control of his family and their expectations rather than to set his own goals.What's wrong with this picture. He wonders how I did it, I owned a house and own one now, I was on a night shift and still went to church. I am always positive, What;s wrong with his picture is that unless he sets his own goals he will always always always look for examples he can be rather than to know himself. The view of himself will not be his but all those who are around him.My prayer is that he has enough courage to tell his family thanks but no thanks. And may God bless all of us in our efforts to be ourselves.

LET IT SNOW!!!

Thank you God for the snow You brought. It will help control parasites that were so prevalent last year, fleas, ticks, and other flying or crawling pests that hurt both us and our pets. Thank You for being the gracious and loving Father as well as being just and righteous. So many times we take You  out of the equation, but You are always there. And I thank You Father. In Your Son's blessed Name.

Blessings in disguise

Illness makes me feel sorry for myself. Until I start getting into the moment. And rest. Which is what I did this weekend. What makes me curious, why don't I rest when I am well? Probably because there is work to be done, but more, I think I am the only one who can get anything done. Now is the time to realize the world doesn't revolve around me at all. What a burden that releases!!!

New Year's blessings

So New Years came without mom. Without Dad. Without Larry. Without? No, Physically maybe, but not as long as I have photographic images and memorabilia I still have them. Is the house empty now that mom is no longer with me, maybe. There are definitely times that I expect to see her sitting in her bed or the big chair in the living room and she's not there. But for the most part I have occupied my time with playing the piano, with doing home work-outs, and with work in general. Her time with me was good it could have been better I am sure. But my one solace was that I provided for her so that she didn't have to do what to her was unspeakable, go to a rest home. She didn't need one. She was mobile, in fact the day before we went to the ER mom was walking around and laughing with me. She was able to feed herself up until she went into the ER and CCU. No need for a home and if she went to assisted living I would have to go with her. So as long as I could care for her here she was good. New Year's for me means freedom, but it also means that mom helped make that freedom. What I thought was pushing was pushing but it taught me to take care of myself. Controlling yes but all good parents can never get away from that. Even with a gentle touch.